You Can't Coach That

Saturday, May 17, 2008

The recent Federal Budget left pensioners in Australia feeling short changed. Expecting Mr Rudd and his new labor government to do the right thing by them they were disappointed. It seems Mr Rudd’s so called “working families” are all that is important to this government. Of course, being on the aged pension is not something Mr Rudd or his colleagues (from both sides of the parliament) will have to worry about due to their multi-million superannuation payouts awaiting them on retirement.

As the photo below shows, a group of pensioners has come up with a novel form of protest - strip in public.

[source: ninemsn.com.au]

One can only hope that lingerie models can find something in the budget that they aren’t happy about.

“You can’t coach that”

It’s Saturday morning and the Coach family is in the middle of the normal helta skelta schedule (well actually I have been not doing all that much while my saint of a wife runs around like a mad woman).

One of the chores for the morning was a trip to the local butcher shop for the week’s supply of dead animal products. Being part of the cashless society the purchase was naturally completed with an electronic transaction via the credit card.

True to the adage, “haste makes waste” the credit card was hastily put away in the purse but didn’t quite make it into the appropriate slot and ended up on the butcher shop floor.

An hour later and the phone rings at home - it is the butcher. He has found the card, looked up our number in the phone book and called to report the so-far unmissed card. He indicated how worried he was knowing that my wife was flying inter-state tomorrow and the difficulties a lost card would cause.

Faith in humanity restored. A bottle of Australia’s finest red wine is on its way to the butcher shop.

“You can’t coach that”

Thursday, May 15, 2008

I was listening to my local radio station on the way home from work today and the announcers were discussing “the man chair”. You have probably seen the man chair but have you paid particular attention to it? You know the chair I am talking about, it can be found near the change rooms in most clothing shops catering for the fairer sex. What a godsend this simple piece of furniture can be. It offers a moment of respite in the marathon that is the shopping trip.

Of course the man chair concept could be improved on and taken to another level all together. How about some man-suitable magazines? Not necessarily the “I only read it for the articles” type magazines, but any form of sport or motoring magazine would do just fine.

Every man loves his TV and how good would it be to be able to watch the footy on a wide screen plasma while offering the occasional “that looks great honey” or “no your bum does not look big in that”. And of course there is no better chair to sit and watch TV than a leather recliner.

There is of course a huge downside to the improvement of the man chair concept. Credit cards all of the industrialised world would take an absolute beating. I know that my wife would have no incentive to leave a shop empty handed if I wasn’t impatiently shifting from foot to foot while staring intently at my watch.

“You can’t coach that”

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Whenever the issue of speed cameras on our roads is discussed the debate often centres around whether these devices are an effective way to save lives or whether speed reduction is just a by-product of the revenue raised for the government coffers. I am no expert in this area but I do find it interesting that speed cameras are often placed on what I would consider quite safe stretches of road.

Binge drinking amongst young people has everyones’ attention in Australia at the moment, especially excessive drinking by young women. As a high school teacher and father of two daughters, this is something that I find quite worrying and I applaud all efforts to deal with the problem. Of course my applause is louder for some initiatives than others. The government’s chief response at the moment appears to be an increase in taxes on pre-mixed drinks or so-called “alcopops”. Yes these drinks are marketed primarily at young women but does the government really think that an increase in the price of one type of alcohol product is going to significantly impact on the amount being consumed by these young people? There are numerous alternatives to these pre-mixed drinks and the teenagers I talk to support the argument that this measure will be ineffective in making them reconsider their drinking habits.

So what’s the common theme here? It is a win-win situation for the government. They can tell the electorate that they are getting tough on speeding and binge drinking. The evidence is there for all to see, splashed across every newspaper front page - too bad the evidence showing the effectiveness or otherwise of these programs is harder to find. At the same time, significant revenue is being raised regardless of the effectiveness of the initiatives themselves. And what happens to the revenue? It’s spent on roads and alcohol education of course - yeh right!

“You can’t coach that”

Friday, April 25, 2008

25 April, ANZAC day - this day marks the anniversary of the landing of Australian and New Zealand troops on the beaches of Gallipoli. It has become a day to remember those who have fought and died in the defence of their country. It is a day to pause and reflect, not a day to celebrate or commemorate war.

“The Ode” is a central part of the ceremonies and services to mark this day.

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.

LEST WE FORGET

The Ode is the fourth stanza from “The Fallen” by Laurence Binyon which can be found in full here.

“You can’t coach that”

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

The talk-fest that was the 2020 summit has included as one of its proposals the development of a bionic eye to enable the blind to see. The idea behind the 2020 conference was “harness the best ideas for building a modern Australia that is ready for the challenges of the 21 st century.” However, Australian opthamologists report that they are on the way to developing such as device and may in fact be ready to implant the device into the eye of a volunteer within weeks. Strike one for the 2020 summit.

Another of the key recommendations was for comprehensive tax reform. This is hardly revolutionary. Various groups have been calling for tax reform and simplification of the tax regime ever since I can remember taking an interest in such matters. Does the government really need to sponsor such an event to come up with such a fundamental idea? It worries me if this is the case. Strike two for the 2020 summit.

Then there is Ernie and his ”golden gurus”. The 76 year old suggested that Australian needs to make use of older Australians as workplace mentors - to be termed golden gurus. As a rapidly aging Australian with not enough superannuation and the prospect of retirement a long way off, this sounds like a great idea. You can now consider me Coach Guru.

“You can’t coach that”

Saturday, April 19, 2008

When are we going to to wake up to the nonsense about sporting stars being role models. The only relevant thing they should be modeling to young people is their ability to play the game (or swim the race etc) and, as an extension of that, how to conduct oneself on the sporting arena.

Where is it written that a good footballer is automatically going to be someone of good character? Players are selected based on their ability to play the game, not on whether they are going to behave like good role models away from it. Players should be held accountable for their conduct on the field, their behaviour off the field should be judged according to the same criteria as the general public. If I get caught drink driving on my way home from work next week then I would be a bloody idiot and an appalling role model for children. This wouldn’t however place my job in jeopardy and I wouldn’t fined by my employer. Yet this is precisely the position many athletes find themselves in.

Many would disagree with what I have said here, and I can see that they may have a point. How can we not expect children to look up to the sporting stars that they worship on TV? By definition, if a children try to emulate their heroes then that footballer, swimmer or athlete is going to be a role model.

The key to my argument is parents. It is parents who have the capacity to be the most significant influence on children and their behaviour, for good or bad. Parents should be able to provide a filter through which children see the behaviour of the favourite sporting stars. Let parents be role models for children. Let sportsmen and women be the models that inspire sporting prowess.

“You can’t coach that”

Friday, April 18, 2008

This is a lazy post from an email but that is how I’ve been feeling lately.

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me.  You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.  If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them. 

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.  Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.  Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.  However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. 

Rule Four:

I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world sex without utilizing a ‘Barrier method’ of some kind can kill you.  Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. 

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.  Please do not do this.  The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is:  ‘early.’

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.  This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.  Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.  If you make her cry, I will make you cry. 

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.  If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.  My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbor Bridge.  Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? 

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:  Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.  Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.  Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay.  Cricket games are okay...Old folks homes are better. 

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me.  I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been.  But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. 

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid.  It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.  As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight.  Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside.  The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

My personal favourite is number 9, closely followed by number 10.

“You can’t coach that”

Sunday, April 13, 2008

While I tend to support the protests against China’s treatment of Tibet, I do so from a relatively uninformed position. Therefore I do not feel qualified to comment on the specifics of what is going on. What I can say is that the time to use the Olympic Games as a forum for protest appears to be past. Where was the outcry when China was awarded the games in the first place? Where was the protest when it was announced that China was nominating for the games? Let the Olympics proceed in a peaceful setting (if possible) with peaceful protests if necessary.

“You can’t coach that”

Thursday, February 21, 2008

I may be months behind the times with this but couldn’t resist having a dig at Microsoft.

Excel 2007, apart from introducing a whole new user interface, likes to mess with our minds. From the Microsoft support website:

When you perform a calculation in Excel 2007, the following behavior occurs:
• The result of the calculation is a number from 65534.99999999995 to 65535. The calculation is performed correctly. However, the result is incorrectly shown as 100000.
• The result of the calculation is a number from 65535.99999999995 to 65536. The calculation is performed correctly. However, the result is incorrectly shown as 100001.

Who cares if the calculation is correct if it doesn’t display correctly?

They have now issued a patch but oh dear!  Interestingly, there is no such problems with the latest Mac version.

I wish my salary was $65,535 and that my employer used Excel 2007 to calculate payroll.

“You can’t coach that”

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Heard in the back seat of the car on the way home from swimming lessons:

6 year old #1 - “This is a photo of one of our new puppies. He’s the one with only one testicle”

6 year old #2 - “So that’s the one with only one testicle. He’s so cute”

A few minutes passes where other topics are discussed before the following is heard:

6 year old #2 - “What’s a testicle?”

6 year old #1 - “I don’t know”

6 year old #2 - “Is it a boy dog or a girl dog?”

6 year old #1 - “I don’t know that either”

“You can’t coach that”

Saturday, February 09, 2008

Australia is currently hosting the Indian and Sri Lankan cricket teams during a summer that has seen it’s fair share of controversy. One Sri Lankan player who seems to be always ready to complain about how poorly we Australians treat him is Muttiah Muralidaran, the current world record holder for the most dismissals in test match cricket. True to form, Muralidaran (Murali) has recently claimed to be the target of an egg throwing attack. According to the cricket players and establishment of the sub-continent countries (India, Sri Lanka, Pakistan), Australia is a racist country and I am sure this latest incident to befall the great “Murali” will only reinforce this notion. After all, our local crowds yell abuse at the opposition team and a small minority do yell racially based comments. This of course doesn’t happen anywhere else in the world - yer right!

So someone throws an egg at a group of Sri Lankan cricketers. The shrapnel wounds from the flying egg shell were I am sure devastating. The Sri Lankans must be eager to return home where it is only bombs and bullets that you have to be worried about.

Oh shit, I think I have just been racist - sorry Murali.

“You can’t coach that”

Friday, January 11, 2008

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, AVOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.

Scenario: Jeffrey won’t sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal’s office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang.  Psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.

Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school.

1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Vinh fails high school English.

1960 - Vinh goes to Remedial English, passes and goes to college.

2007 - Vinh’s cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Vinh is given his Y10 anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1960 - Ants die.

2007 - Security and ASIO are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny’s dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.

“You can’t coach that”

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Christmas means so many things when you are six.

There is the excitement when the latest toy shop catalog arrives in the mail. Of course the first thing you do is circle all the things you would like Santa to bring.

Then there is the fascination of learning about the birth of Jesus and the Christmas story. It really sounds very simple from a 6 year old’s perspective - everyone should love each other like Jesus did.

Finally it seems that it is possible to reconcile the two, at least according to princess number 2. Her latest circling of the catalog focused on the things that Jesus would have liked to have received for Christmas. Jesus and the Ninteno DS, an interesting idea.

What do you think Jesus would have asked wanted for Christmas?

“You can’t coach that”

Sunday, November 18, 2007

But I found these funny anyway....

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other but still they stay together. 
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. 
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want? “
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife; and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
Henny Youngman

“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
Sam Kinison

“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
James Holt McGavran

“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.”
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

“You can’t coach that”