You Can't Coach That

Friday, April 18, 2008

This is a lazy post from an email but that is how I’ve been feeling lately.

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me.  You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.  If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them. 

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.  Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.  Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.  However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. 

Rule Four:

I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world sex without utilizing a ‘Barrier method’ of some kind can kill you.  Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. 

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.  Please do not do this.  The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is:  ‘early.’

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.  This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.  Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.  If you make her cry, I will make you cry. 

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.  If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.  My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbor Bridge.  Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? 

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:  Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.  Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.  Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay.  Cricket games are okay...Old folks homes are better. 

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me.  I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been.  But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. 

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid.  It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.  As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight.  Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside.  The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

My personal favourite is number 9, closely followed by number 10.

“You can’t coach that”

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Heard in the back seat of the car on the way home from swimming lessons:

6 year old #1 - “This is a photo of one of our new puppies. He’s the one with only one testicle”

6 year old #2 - “So that’s the one with only one testicle. He’s so cute”

A few minutes passes where other topics are discussed before the following is heard:

6 year old #2 - “What’s a testicle?”

6 year old #1 - “I don’t know”

6 year old #2 - “Is it a boy dog or a girl dog?”

6 year old #1 - “I don’t know that either”

“You can’t coach that”

Friday, January 11, 2008

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, AVOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.

Scenario: Jeffrey won’t sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal’s office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang.  Psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.

Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school.

1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Vinh fails high school English.

1960 - Vinh goes to Remedial English, passes and goes to college.

2007 - Vinh’s cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Vinh is given his Y10 anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1960 - Ants die.

2007 - Security and ASIO are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny’s dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.

“You can’t coach that”

Sunday, November 18, 2007

But I found these funny anyway....

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other but still they stay together. 
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. 
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want? “
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife; and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
Henny Youngman

“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
Sam Kinison

“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
James Holt McGavran

“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.”
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

“You can’t coach that”

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Princess number 2 to her mother - “Mum, I’m glad my name’s not Sullivan”. When asked to explain she said that she would hate for everyone to say the “B” word after her name all the time. She really does not like swearing and considers “bitch” as bad as it gets.

It took some time for her mother to realise “Sullivan Bitch” was actually “Son of a Bitch”

I really should be careful what I say when I’m driving.

“You can’t coach that”

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

I have been well and truly missing in action lately - long story and not sure when or if I can explain.

Here’s an old favourite - definitely true at my place.

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events is put into motion:

Routine…
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces,
and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine…
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer
while he flips the meat

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine…
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off.” And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that
there’s just no pleasing some women…

“You can’t coach that”

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

And now for a little game called “what the heck is that?”

Regular Gizmodo readers may have seen their story and if you want to cheat you can find it there.

“You can’t coach that”

I have heard of ergonomic furniture but this is taking things to a new level:

Now where’s my chisel?

[seen at Gizmodo who credited Random Good Stuff]

“You can’t coach that”

Monday, August 13, 2007

Some nursery rhyme talent here. The Midight Oil version is my favourite. Download and listen if you have a minute or two.

baabaa.mp3

“You can’t coach that”

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

I don’t often write about my children but I couldn’t not mention this. My 6 year is very inquisitive, as are all 6 year olds, and often asks questions in a way that at first don’t seem obvious. Her latest question:

How do people NOT get babies

It’s hard enough explaining to kids where babies come from but how do you answer this one. I shouldn’t be surprised I suppose based on a recent conversation she had with her Grandmother that went something like this:

Grandma, where do babies come from?

Grandma: I think that is something you should ask your Mum

Oh I have asked her and she doesn’t seem to know so I thought you could tell me.

“You can’t coach that”

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Everyone has odd socks in their drawers. It is often assumed that the washing machine is somehow responsible for a sock going missing. But what if the washing machine is actually producing an extra sock instead of losing one? A machine conspiracy to mess with our minds?

“You can’t coach that”

You are the first one I talk to in the morning and the first to provide comfort after a hard day at work. Once your Italian temperament was tamed you fitted into the daily coaching schedule with ease.

It has been difficult of late to watch as you struggle to breath and strive to maintain your high standards of performance.

But time moves on and nothing is forever. I just can’t rely on you in pressure situations anymore. You will be missed but not forgotten.

I really love my espresso machine.

“You can’t coach that”

Sunday, July 22, 2007

I have been reading Pat Hayes’ blog on and off for quite some time. I know I’m being lazy here but I just had to post this photo. Read it carefully.

Click for large image

“You can’t coach that”

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Here are some light hearted thoughts to follow my last rather depressing post. They were sent to me under the heading of “stupid questions” but I think they are actually worth wondering about. Hum along if you have heard them before.

1. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?
2. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a use by date?
3. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which no-one ever uses because it burns your toast to a horrible black crisp no one would eat?
4. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say “I think i’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out”?
5. What do people in China call their good plates?
6. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
7. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?
8. Why is it that when someone tells you that there’s billions of stars in the universe, you believe them. But if they tell you there’s wet paint somewhere you have to touch it to see if they are telling the truth?
9. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

“You can’t coach that”

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Could this be the ultimate dream job?

The performance appraisal process might be a bit brutal.

Read more at durex.com.au

[originally seen at The Courier Mail]

“You can’t coach that”