You Can't Coach That

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Even though classical music isn’t my preferred listening choice, I can understand it appeal. I’m also not sure about the whole “stadium rock” thing. I love watching live bands (or I used to before children came along) but the concept of the “stage spectacular” tends to distract from the music (perhaps that is the intention).

Therefore, I am totally perplexed by the Andre Rieu tour taking place in Australia at the moment. From “The Telstra Dome” :

Imagine yourself in Vienna for an evening… the most romantic city in the world…The World Stadium Tour ‘A Romantic Night in Vienna’ will take place against the background of the biggest transportable set ever: André Rieu and his Johann Strauss Orchestra and Choir, many well-known soloists, the Platinum Tenors, the Vienna State Opera Ballet, 80 Vienna Debutantes, the golden coach with the Empress Sisi and Emperor Franz-Joseph, the Vienna Figure Skating Association, famous skating champions, traditional Viennese horse-drawn carriages with horses and footmen, a complete golden ballroom with real golden chandeliers, fabulous costumes, gorgeous music, magical waltzes and so much more…

Feel as though you have travelled to Europe without leaving the city! Be dazzled by the mastery of the orchestra, Rieu’s own violin playing, as well as musical melodies from the accompanying choir.

André Rieu’s unique and exuberant style makes his show one of the most talked about in the world. Fans spend more time dancing in the aisle than sitting in their seats.

Come on, the guy plays the fiddle for God’s sake.

“You can’t coach that”

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

It seems that Princess number 2 has indeed taken on board the entrepreneurial spirit. Within hours of the family discussion on loose teeth, and without any prior comments about any of her teeth actually being loose, the tooth fairy was back at work.

It seems when money is on offer and there are still baby teeth in her head this young lady will find a way practice a bit of amateur dentistry. Bed time - 7.30pm; tooth extracted - 8.30pm; tooth fairy - $2 poorer.

“You can’t coach that”

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Princess number 1 is close to losing her last baby tooth. She is quite excited about this prospect as she can then get braces. While the idea of braces does not thrill her, the idea of getting them over and done with is appealing. The protective father in me thinks she is really wanting to get them off by the time she is interested in boys.

Princess number 2 is still very much into the idea that the tooth fairy visits when she loses teeth. Perhaps the tooth fairy has in fact been a little too generous lately based on her comment this morning:

“I hope I lose some more teeth soon, I have almost run out of gold coins”

“You can’t coach that”

Dear Coach,

I hope you can help me here.  The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual.  I hadn’t gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband’s help.  When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes.  He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her.  I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious.  He’d carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and begun CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him.  He said he was attempting to break free when I came back.  But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he’d been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don’t feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If neither of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber

I hope this helps.

Coach

“You can’t coach that”

Friday, November 14, 2008

Ahh, Entertainment Television, I am afraid you have just lost any credibility you may have had. A list of the sexiest men alive is headed by David Beckam with Johnny Depp coming in a close second.

Yes, you know where this is going. The only reason I can think of that we are not seeing the name Coach McGee on the top of the list is that the release form they sent me got lost in the mail.

While I might eventually be able to forgive this shocking oversight I draw the line at the photoshopping of my photo.

“You can’t coach that”

Friday, October 31, 2008

I thought I had a bad day today. Not as bad as John Daly by the looks his mug shot.

That’s what a couple of thousand drinks at your local Hooters will do for you.

I wish I had some of his talent - for playing golf obviously, not drinking.

“You can’t coach that”

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The Guardian newspaper in the UK has solved the problem of the world economic crisis - it's AC/DC's fault. Yes the vintage Aussie rockers are responsible for the recession we are in or about to be in, depending on who you ask.

While the release of their latest album, Black Ice, might be welcome news for aging rock fans such as me it is a shame that it has come at the expense of global economic chaos.

The facts don't lie:

1973 - AC/DC form

Economy: Start of the oil crisis, which saw the price quadruple

1980 - AC/DC release breakthrough album Back In Black

Economy: Inflation in UK reaches 20% and unemployment nears 2 million

1990 - AC/DC score comeback with The Razor's Edge

Economy: Recession in UK imminent

2008: AC/DC top UK album charts

Economy: Biggest world recession in decades looms

At least we can take comfort in the fact that Angus can still afford a new school uniform.

Yes I know, no posts for months and then two in a row featuring AC/DC - go figure.

"You can't coach that"

Friday, August 29, 2008

Too long since I posted last. Too much to do and so little time. Started writing a novel which has sucked up all the creative juices.

Anyway, driving home this afternoon I passed a middle aged couple in a brand spanking new 6 series BMW convertible. Envious? Who me? Of course I'm bloody envious. But what's with the top down and windows up? Seriously, if you're going to spend the best part of $250,000 on a convertible, drive it like it was meant to be driven - wind in the hair and the growl of the V8 in the ears. I wonder if the air conditioning was on too?

"You can't coach that"

Thursday, July 10, 2008

We recently invested in a new mattress and I was bewildered by the number of choices available. I just wanted something comfortable. I wasn't really interested in overhead cams and variable valve timing (oh wait that was car shopping).

Anyway, a local bedding manufacturer, Sleepys, has come up with a brilliant idea. A 60 day comfort guarantee.

Assuming that some people return the mattress after 60 days and that Sleepy’s then don’t dump the $2000 or $3,000 mattress, I imagine you run the risk that the mattress you buy has had two 150kg lovebirds bouncing on your “new” mattress for the past 2 months.

The mind boggles - glad I didn't buy from Sleepys.

"You can't coach that"

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Unless you have been living under a rock for the last 5 years you would be aware that the world faces somewhat of an energy crisis. Some would argue it is already here. A rapidly rising oil price (petrol here is A$1.50 per litre or US$5.70 per gallon), green house gas emissions, nuclear waste to be disposed of, we are in a bad way. Progress on developing alternatives to our current energy technologies appears painfully slow.

Well dear reader, I have the solution. Picture a tense scene in a Hollywood blockbuster. Our hero is edging his/her way down a dark tunnel or passage. Said tunnel/ passageway is lit by a line of convenient flaming torches that the bad guys have placed on the walls.

These torches are lit by what must be the most amazing energy source known to man. It is inexhaustible, cannot be extinguished and in no way consumes the stick on the end of which it burns. Surely we can harness this amazing fuel to power our turbines to produce the electricity we all so much depend upon. Perhaps we have the wrong people working on solving our energy problems - over to you Mr Spielberg, Mr Lucas et al.

"You can't coach that"

Saturday, May 17, 2008

The recent Federal Budget left pensioners in Australia feeling short changed. Expecting Mr Rudd and his new labor government to do the right thing by them they were disappointed. It seems Mr Rudd’s so called “working families” are all that is important to this government. Of course, being on the aged pension is not something Mr Rudd or his colleagues (from both sides of the parliament) will have to worry about due to their multi-million superannuation payouts awaiting them on retirement.

As the photo below shows, a group of pensioners has come up with a novel form of protest - strip in public.

[source: ninemsn.com.au]

One can only hope that lingerie models can find something in the budget that they aren’t happy about.

“You can’t coach that”

Thursday, May 15, 2008

I was listening to my local radio station on the way home from work today and the announcers were discussing “the man chair”. You have probably seen the man chair but have you paid particular attention to it? You know the chair I am talking about, it can be found near the change rooms in most clothing shops catering for the fairer sex. What a godsend this simple piece of furniture can be. It offers a moment of respite in the marathon that is the shopping trip.

Of course the man chair concept could be improved on and taken to another level all together. How about some man-suitable magazines? Not necessarily the “I only read it for the articles” type magazines, but any form of sport or motoring magazine would do just fine.

Every man loves his TV and how good would it be to be able to watch the footy on a wide screen plasma while offering the occasional “that looks great honey” or “no your bum does not look big in that”. And of course there is no better chair to sit and watch TV than a leather recliner.

There is of course a huge downside to the improvement of the man chair concept. Credit cards all of the industrialised world would take an absolute beating. I know that my wife would have no incentive to leave a shop empty handed if I wasn’t impatiently shifting from foot to foot while staring intently at my watch.

“You can’t coach that”

Friday, April 18, 2008

This is a lazy post from an email but that is how I’ve been feeling lately.

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me.  You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.  If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them. 

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.  Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.  Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.  However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. 

Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world sex without utilizing a ‘Barrier method’ of some kind can kill you.   Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. 

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other,  we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.  Please do not do this.   The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is:  ‘early.’

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.  This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.  Otherwise,  once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.  If you make her cry,  I will make you cry. 

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.  If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.  My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbor Bridge.   Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? 

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:  Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing,  holding hands, or happiness.  Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.  Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay.  Cricket games are okay…Old folks homes are better.  

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me.  I may appear to be a potbellied,  balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been.   But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. 

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid.   It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.  As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight.   Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car -  there is no need for you to come inside.   The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

My personal favourite is number 9, closely followed by number 10.

“You can’t coach that”

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Heard in the back seat of the car on the way home from swimming lessons:

6 year old #1 - “This is a photo of one of our new puppies. He’s the one with only one testicle”

6 year old #2 - “So that’s the one with only one testicle. He’s so cute”

A few minutes passes where other topics are discussed before the following is heard:

6 year old #2 - “What’s a testicle?”

6 year old #1 - “I don’t know”

6 year old #2 - “Is it a boy dog or a girl dog?”

6 year old #1 - “I don’t know that either”

“You can’t coach that”

Friday, January 11, 2008

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, AVOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.

Scenario: Jeffrey won’t sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal’s office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang.  Psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.

Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school.

1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Vinh fails high school English.

1960 - Vinh goes to Remedial English, passes and goes to college.

2007 - Vinh’s cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Vinh is given his Y10 anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1960 - Ants die.

2007 -  Security and ASIO are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny’s dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.

“You can’t coach that”