You Can't Coach That

Friday, April 18, 2008

This is a lazy post from an email but that is how I’ve been feeling lately.

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me.  You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.  If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them. 

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.  Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.  Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.  However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. 

Rule Four:

I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world sex without utilizing a ‘Barrier method’ of some kind can kill you.  Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. 

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.  Please do not do this.  The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is:  ‘early.’

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.  This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.  Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.  If you make her cry, I will make you cry. 

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.  If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.  My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbor Bridge.  Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? 

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:  Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.  Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.  Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay.  Cricket games are okay...Old folks homes are better. 

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me.  I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been.  But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. 

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid.  It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.  As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight.  Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside.  The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

My personal favourite is number 9, closely followed by number 10.

“You can’t coach that”

Sunday, April 13, 2008

While I tend to support the protests against China’s treatment of Tibet, I do so from a relatively uninformed position. Therefore I do not feel qualified to comment on the specifics of what is going on. What I can say is that the time to use the Olympic Games as a forum for protest appears to be past. Where was the outcry when China was awarded the games in the first place? Where was the protest when it was announced that China was nominating for the games? Let the Olympics proceed in a peaceful setting (if possible) with peaceful protests if necessary.

“You can’t coach that”

Thursday, February 21, 2008

I may be months behind the times with this but couldn’t resist having a dig at Microsoft.

Excel 2007, apart from introducing a whole new user interface, likes to mess with our minds. From the Microsoft support website:

When you perform a calculation in Excel 2007, the following behavior occurs:
• The result of the calculation is a number from 65534.99999999995 to 65535. The calculation is performed correctly. However, the result is incorrectly shown as 100000.
• The result of the calculation is a number from 65535.99999999995 to 65536. The calculation is performed correctly. However, the result is incorrectly shown as 100001.

Who cares if the calculation is correct if it doesn’t display correctly?

They have now issued a patch but oh dear!  Interestingly, there is no such problems with the latest Mac version.

I wish my salary was $65,535 and that my employer used Excel 2007 to calculate payroll.

“You can’t coach that”

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Heard in the back seat of the car on the way home from swimming lessons:

6 year old #1 - “This is a photo of one of our new puppies. He’s the one with only one testicle”

6 year old #2 - “So that’s the one with only one testicle. He’s so cute”

A few minutes passes where other topics are discussed before the following is heard:

6 year old #2 - “What’s a testicle?”

6 year old #1 - “I don’t know”

6 year old #2 - “Is it a boy dog or a girl dog?”

6 year old #1 - “I don’t know that either”

“You can’t coach that”

Saturday, February 09, 2008

Australia is currently hosting the Indian and Sri Lankan cricket teams during a summer that has seen it’s fair share of controversy. One Sri Lankan player who seems to be always ready to complain about how poorly we Australians treat him is Muttiah Muralidaran, the current world record holder for the most dismissals in test match cricket. True to form, Muralidaran (Murali) has recently claimed to be the target of an egg throwing attack. According to the cricket players and establishment of the sub-continent countries (India, Sri Lanka, Pakistan), Australia is a racist country and I am sure this latest incident to befall the great “Murali” will only reinforce this notion. After all, our local crowds yell abuse at the opposition team and a small minority do yell racially based comments. This of course doesn’t happen anywhere else in the world - yer right!

So someone throws an egg at a group of Sri Lankan cricketers. The shrapnel wounds from the flying egg shell were I am sure devastating. The Sri Lankans must be eager to return home where it is only bombs and bullets that you have to be worried about.

Oh shit, I think I have just been racist - sorry Murali.

“You can’t coach that”

Friday, January 11, 2008

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, AVOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.

Scenario: Jeffrey won’t sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal’s office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang.  Psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.

Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school.

1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Vinh fails high school English.

1960 - Vinh goes to Remedial English, passes and goes to college.

2007 - Vinh’s cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Vinh is given his Y10 anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1960 - Ants die.

2007 - Security and ASIO are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny’s dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.

“You can’t coach that”

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Christmas means so many things when you are six.

There is the excitement when the latest toy shop catalog arrives in the mail. Of course the first thing you do is circle all the things you would like Santa to bring.

Then there is the fascination of learning about the birth of Jesus and the Christmas story. It really sounds very simple from a 6 year old’s perspective - everyone should love each other like Jesus did.

Finally it seems that it is possible to reconcile the two, at least according to princess number 2. Her latest circling of the catalog focused on the things that Jesus would have liked to have received for Christmas. Jesus and the Ninteno DS, an interesting idea.

What do you think Jesus would have asked wanted for Christmas?

“You can’t coach that”

Sunday, November 18, 2007

But I found these funny anyway....

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other but still they stay together. 
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. 
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want? “
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife; and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
Henny Youngman

“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
Sam Kinison

“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
James Holt McGavran

“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.”
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

“You can’t coach that”

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Princess number 2 to her mother - “Mum, I’m glad my name’s not Sullivan”. When asked to explain she said that she would hate for everyone to say the “B” word after her name all the time. She really does not like swearing and considers “bitch” as bad as it gets.

It took some time for her mother to realise “Sullivan Bitch” was actually “Son of a Bitch”

I really should be careful what I say when I’m driving.

“You can’t coach that”

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Do you ever come across a particularly useful website and think to yourself “I wish I had known about that when ......”? I have an opportunity to earn some beer money by mentioning just such a website. If you feel inclined to read on I will relate a little of my past life.

While I have been teaching for some time now, I was for many years a Chartered Accountant (yes I’ve heard all the boring accountant jokes). This provided me with the opportunity to live a work in London for several years.

Sounds great doesn’t it? Who wouldn’t want to work in one of the great cities of the World and one of the finance capitals. I still remember how excited I was before I left. And oh how I hated it. The work that is, London itself was a wonderful place to live.

My mistake was a lack of preparation and research. I went to London as part of a secondment program with the accounting firm I worked for at the time. This sounded like the best course of action - stay with the firm I knew and who I thought would have my interests at heart. I had after all given them faithful service for several years. Wrong! Here is roughly how things went:

• 18 hour work days for weeks on end. No wonder people were telling me how much they liked people from the Australian firm
• Promotion and pay rises withheld - I never found out why. The Managing Partner seemed happy enough with my work given he put me in charge of his largest client
• Working for a psychopathic senior manager who was having an affair with the bloke that I replaced at the firm - could explain the promotion and pay rise question
• The vending machine coffee tasted like it was made with water from the Thames

I could go on but you get the idea. Now here is the part where “I wish I had known about that when ......” Some research about the hundreds of jobs in London crying out for a particularly handsome Aussie accountant could have made all the difference. What didn’t help of course was the fact that at the time the internet was but a gleam in the eye of Tim Berners-Lee. Heck most people thought that computers were an interesting idea but couldn’t imagine a time when we would all have one on our desks.

Some good old internet research that we all take for granted would have come in handy in so many other ways. The accommodation search for example. The first place my wife and I stayed provided plenty of entertainment. It seems that the local West Indian gangs were in the middle of some sort of disagreement and the day after we arrived one of them was shot dead in the street. We moved from there pretty quick.

There were many great things about living in London:

• Being able to fly to Rome or Paris for the weekend
• Driving holidays around Europe and Ireland in the company car
• Guinness in Ireland - It just tastes so much better there
• The tulips that would magically appear in the local common every spring
• Friday nights at the local pub for 6 or 7 pints followed by a curry next door (Saturday mornings not so good)
• Wimbledon
• Watching Rugby at Twickenham
• My mate Anthony
• Not getting blown up by an IRA bomb

It’s good to reminisce - thanks for reading.

“You can’t coach that”

Kids grow up too fast. I have written about this before. Today provided further evidence that time is fleeting and our children are not children for long enough.

You see, number one princess stayed home alone for the first time today. Not all day mind you but long enough for it to be significant.

There are so many wonderful aspects to watching your children grow but sometimes I think it would be nice to keep them this age forever.

I did find it interesting how aware she was about the potential dangers of a young person being home alone. When I was her age I would not have given these things a second thought. There were the obvious things like no cooking or using sharp knives but she was more tuned in to not answering the phone or the door. I suppose with so many stories on the news these days involving children being abducted or worse this is a natural reaction for her. What a sad world we live in (I know, it’s not all sad but there is some sad stuff)

You can’t coach that”

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Trooper David Pearce was laid to rest today after a funeral service in Brisbane’s St Stephen’s Cathedral followed by a private family service. Trooper Pearce was killed serving in Afghanistan by a road side bomb. Like me, he was 41 years old and had a wife and two young daughters. My heart goes out to his family. All diggers serving overseas have my admiration and gratitude.

Australia is in the middle of a Federal election campaign at the moment. The Prime Minister and the Leader of the Opposition were at the service in Brisbane. I found myself feeling a little uncomfortable watching the evening news about an hour ago and seeing images of the Prime Minister warmly embracing Trooper Pearce’s wife. I am sure this was meant as a show of support and I hope Mrs Pearce found some comfort in this gesture but part of me doubts it.

Am I too cynical?

You can read the full story herehttp://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=70778

“You can’t coach that”

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

I may have mentioned before that I live in a female dominated environment (and wouldn’t want it any other way). I have a voluptuous wife, two delightful daughters, and much loved female dog and I teach at a girls school. I grew up in a very male dominated environment. No sisters and life revolved around football.

Well it appears that my transformation to a sensitive new age male is complete. On the weekend I only watched 10 minutes of the Rugby World Cup - but I watched 2 hours of “So You Think You Can Dance”. And what’s worse is that I new some of the dancers names and their preferred dancing style.

Oh dear - I think I had better go and have a beer and use some power tools.

“You can’t coach that”

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Yes I know he doesn’t sell used cars, he runs GoDaddy the web hosting company and where I have at least one domain registered. But what’s with the s@#t-eating, I’ve got more money than you smirk. It just creeps me out when I get the regular email.

Sorry Bob, don’t sue me.

“You can’t coach that”

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

I have been well and truly missing in action lately - long story and not sure when or if I can explain.

Here’s an old favourite - definitely true at my place.

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events is put into motion:

Routine…
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces,
and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine…
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer
while he flips the meat

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine…
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off.” And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that
there’s just no pleasing some women…

“You can’t coach that”