You Can't Coach That

Friday, April 25, 2008

25 April, ANZAC day - this day marks the anniversary of the landing of Australian and New Zealand troops on the beaches of Gallipoli. It has become a day to remember those who have fought and died in the defence of their country. It is a day to pause and reflect, not a day to celebrate or commemorate war.

“The Ode” is a central part of the ceremonies and services to mark this day.

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.

LEST WE FORGET

The Ode is the fourth stanza from “The Fallen” by Laurence Binyon which can be found in full here.

“You can’t coach that”

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

The talk-fest that was the 2020 summit has included as one of its proposals the development of a bionic eye to enable the blind to see. The idea behind the 2020 conference was “harness the best ideas for building a modern Australia that is ready for the challenges of the 21 st century.” However, Australian opthamologists report that they are on the way to developing such as device and may in fact be ready to implant the device into the eye of a volunteer within weeks. Strike one for the 2020 summit.

Another of the key recommendations was for comprehensive tax reform. This is hardly revolutionary. Various groups have been calling for tax reform and simplification of the tax regime ever since I can remember taking an interest in such matters. Does the government really need to sponsor such an event to come up with such a fundamental idea? It worries me if this is the case. Strike two for the 2020 summit.

Then there is Ernie and his ”golden gurus”. The 76 year old suggested that Australian needs to make use of older Australians as workplace mentors - to be termed golden gurus. As a rapidly aging Australian with not enough superannuation and the prospect of retirement a long way off, this sounds like a great idea. You can now consider me Coach Guru.

“You can’t coach that”

Saturday, April 19, 2008

When are we going to to wake up to the nonsense about sporting stars being role models. The only relevant thing they should be modeling to young people is their ability to play the game (or swim the race etc) and, as an extension of that, how to conduct oneself on the sporting arena.

Where is it written that a good footballer is automatically going to be someone of good character? Players are selected based on their ability to play the game, not on whether they are going to behave like good role models away from it. Players should be held accountable for their conduct on the field, their behaviour off the field should be judged according to the same criteria as the general public. If I get caught drink driving on my way home from work next week then I would be a bloody idiot and an appalling role model for children. This wouldn’t however place my job in jeopardy and I wouldn’t fined by my employer. Yet this is precisely the position many athletes find themselves in.

Many would disagree with what I have said here, and I can see that they may have a point. How can we not expect children to look up to the sporting stars that they worship on TV? By definition, if a children try to emulate their heroes then that footballer, swimmer or athlete is going to be a role model.

The key to my argument is parents. It is parents who have the capacity to be the most significant influence on children and their behaviour, for good or bad. Parents should be able to provide a filter through which children see the behaviour of the favourite sporting stars. Let parents be role models for children. Let sportsmen and women be the models that inspire sporting prowess.

“You can’t coach that”

Friday, April 18, 2008

This is a lazy post from an email but that is how I’ve been feeling lately.

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me.  You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.  If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them. 

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.  Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.  Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.  However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. 

Rule Four:

I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world sex without utilizing a ‘Barrier method’ of some kind can kill you.  Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. 

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.  Please do not do this.  The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is:  ‘early.’

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.  This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.  Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.  If you make her cry, I will make you cry. 

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.  If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.  My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbor Bridge.  Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? 

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:  Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.  Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.  Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay.  Cricket games are okay...Old folks homes are better. 

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me.  I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been.  But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. 

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid.  It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.  As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight.  Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside.  The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

My personal favourite is number 9, closely followed by number 10.

“You can’t coach that”

Sunday, April 13, 2008

While I tend to support the protests against China’s treatment of Tibet, I do so from a relatively uninformed position. Therefore I do not feel qualified to comment on the specifics of what is going on. What I can say is that the time to use the Olympic Games as a forum for protest appears to be past. Where was the outcry when China was awarded the games in the first place? Where was the protest when it was announced that China was nominating for the games? Let the Olympics proceed in a peaceful setting (if possible) with peaceful protests if necessary.

“You can’t coach that”