You Can't Coach That

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Even though classical music isn’t my preferred listening choice, I can understand it appeal. I’m also not sure about the whole “stadium rock” thing. I love watching live bands (or I used to before children came along) but the concept of the “stage spectacular” tends to distract from the music (perhaps that is the intention).

Therefore, I am totally perplexed by the Andre Rieu tour taking place in Australia at the moment. From “The Telstra Dome” :

Imagine yourself in Vienna for an evening… the most romantic city in the world…The World Stadium Tour ‘A Romantic Night in Vienna’ will take place against the background of the biggest transportable set ever: André Rieu and his Johann Strauss Orchestra and Choir, many well-known soloists, the Platinum Tenors, the Vienna State Opera Ballet, 80 Vienna Debutantes, the golden coach with the Empress Sisi and Emperor Franz-Joseph, the Vienna Figure Skating Association, famous skating champions, traditional Viennese horse-drawn carriages with horses and footmen, a complete golden ballroom with real golden chandeliers, fabulous costumes, gorgeous music, magical waltzes and so much more…

Feel as though you have travelled to Europe without leaving the city! Be dazzled by the mastery of the orchestra, Rieu’s own violin playing, as well as musical melodies from the accompanying choir.

André Rieu’s unique and exuberant style makes his show one of the most talked about in the world. Fans spend more time dancing in the aisle than sitting in their seats.

Come on, the guy plays the fiddle for God’s sake.

“You can’t coach that”

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

It seems that Princess number 2 has indeed taken on board the entrepreneurial spirit. Within hours of the family discussion on loose teeth, and without any prior comments about any of her teeth actually being loose, the tooth fairy was back at work.

It seems when money is on offer and there are still baby teeth in her head this young lady will find a way practice a bit of amateur dentistry. Bed time - 7.30pm; tooth extracted - 8.30pm; tooth fairy - $2 poorer.

“You can’t coach that”

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Princess number 1 is close to losing her last baby tooth. She is quite excited about this prospect as she can then get braces. While the idea of braces does not thrill her, the idea of getting them over and done with is appealing. The protective father in me thinks she is really wanting to get them off by the time she is interested in boys.

Princess number 2 is still very much into the idea that the tooth fairy visits when she loses teeth. Perhaps the tooth fairy has in fact been a little too generous lately based on her comment this morning:

“I hope I lose some more teeth soon, I have almost run out of gold coins”

“You can’t coach that”

Dear Coach,

I hope you can help me here.  The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual.  I hadn’t gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband’s help.  When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes.  He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her.  I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious.  He’d carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and begun CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him.  He said he was attempting to break free when I came back.  But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he’d been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don’t feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If neither of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber

I hope this helps.

Coach

“You can’t coach that”

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Why do I think of banks and other large financial institutions when look at this picture?

Can we draw a parallel between an economist and a fortune teller? Shouldn’t the geniuses running these financial institutions have some ability to read economic indicators and adjust their decisions accordingly when tough financial times are on the horizon? It would appear that they are no better than a cheap fortune teller if the increasing level of bad debts and corporate collapses are anything to go by.

“You can’t coach that”

Friday, November 14, 2008

Ahh, Entertainment Television, I am afraid you have just lost any credibility you may have had. A list of the sexiest men alive is headed by David Beckam with Johnny Depp coming in a close second.

Yes, you know where this is going. The only reason I can think of that we are not seeing the name Coach McGee on the top of the list is that the release form they sent me got lost in the mail.

While I might eventually be able to forgive this shocking oversight I draw the line at the photoshopping of my photo.

“You can’t coach that”

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Australia is experiencing skills shortages in many industries. The logical thing to do therefore is to import these skills through immigration.

In a country with high levels of education it seems illogical that there would be a shortage of doctors but that is just what we have. This shortage is particularly acute in rural areas where many small towns cannot attract qualified medical practitioners.

Our success record for finding overseas trained doctors is questionable at best. A case in point is the infamous ”Dr Death” who as Director of Surgery at Bundaberg Base Hospital has been linked to several patient deaths. He has since been arrested and returned to Australia after fleeing to the USA. It seams that adequate due diligence may not have been conducted prior to the good doctor’s appointment.

Anyway, back to the main topic of this rant. The Australian immigration department should stand up and take a bow. Congratulations on showing such fine judgement not to mention compassion in the case of Dr Bernhard Moeller. You see, Dr Moellar’s son has Down Syndrome and it is on these grounds that permanent residency has been denied for the doctor and his family. It seems that the future needs of this 13 year old boy are just too much of a burden for the country to bear.

Unfortunately this does not appear to be an isolated case. A Scottish sheet metal worker who has relocated his family to Australia to fill a skill shortage in his area of expertise is also faced with the prospect of being refused permanent residency on the basis of his daughter’s Down Syndrome.

I now run the risk of being branded racist for my next comments but here goes anyway. There has been a marked increase in the numbers of Sudanese refugees in my local area in recent years. As a wealthy country I acknowledge that Australia has a moral obligation to to do its part in caring for refugees and I would not question for one minute that the Sudanese people who have made Australia home are not worthy of our compassion.

What I do have a problem with however is the notion that a 13 year old with Down Syndrome whose father is providing much needed medical skills in a rural area represents an unacceptable burden on the country. The cost of supporting a refugee family who bring no marketable skills would be far greater.

No, I am not against refugee immigration but I am against mindless bureaucracy.

“You can’t coach that”

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

I have had an iPhone for 6 months or so now and generally have been quite happy with it although there a few things I don’t like. I am not a big fan of the keyboard (a fairly standard complaint based on what I read on the ‘net) and I am not thrilled about the battery life. Interestingly however, the battery life seems to have improved lately. Maybe there was a software update that improved things in that regard.

And then there is the iPhone app. I have a dozen or so applications installed on my phone, all free. I haven’t found the need to purchase any applications yet but have come close for several applications that look worthwhile. I do periodically look through the iTunes store with interest and to marvel at the growing list of applications. Many of them fall under the heading of gimmicks while others are no doubt very useful. I do wonder why developers think that their tips calculator is more compelling than the dozen or so already available.

My latest perusal of the itunes store has turned up an absolute gem - “Wingman”. Worried about getting stuck in an awkward social situation? Can’t rely on your friends to bail you out when you get stuck talking to the office nerd? Enter Wingman. Set up Wingman to make a fake call and as long as your acting skills are up to par you’ve got your escape route.

Gotta go - my iPhone’s ringing.

“You can’t coach that”

Sunday, November 02, 2008

I seem to have misplaced the rule book. Does anyone have a copy I can borrow? You know, the rule book that tells you all the stuff that you need to know. I don’t actually remember the last time I saw it. Actually, I don’t remember seeing it at all. I know it exists though. It must - how else has mankind managed to survive all these years.

Perhaps I can get a copy from the local library. Maybe it’s online somewhere. Any edition will do although the latest edition would be nice. The local bookshop will be the last resort.

As soon as I find a copy I can start working my way through the long list of “what the hell” questions.

• how old do kids have to be before you can leave them at home by themselves?
• why do shoes that fit perfectly at the shop never feel right when I get them home?
• why do religious fanatics so often chose to be fanatically evil instead of fanatically forgiving and understanding?
• how do you thread the line onto a garden line trimmer?
• why are probes being sent to Mars while children are starving?
• why would anyone want to eat an oyster?

What questions do you need answered?

“You can’t coach that”

Like a typical male, I don’t always read instructions when I should. An update to expressionengine combined with this fatal flaw resulted in the comments being broken.

Apologies to the hundreds of you trying to post comments over the last few days - or at last ComedyPlus the most loyal commenter in the whole of the blogosphere.

“You can’t coach that”