You Can't Coach That

Friday, June 22, 2007

I don’t have a problem. Really, no problem at all. It’s a friend of mine. No really it’s a friend of mine.

I am curious though. Would you order medication for this disorder on-line?

Monday, June 18, 2007

I’m currently up to my ears in exam marking and report card writing. There has been precious little time therefore for much else and all my creative energies have been spent on said report cards.

In order to release the pressure on my bull$h!t valve I thought I would write some of the things I can’t say in report cards. The names, genders and species have been changed to protect the defendant (me)

• Mary is outgoing and cheerful - Mary would talk under wet cement
• John appears to enjoy his IT lessons - John is a borderline deviant who spends his IT lessons working out ways to access porn sites
• Susan is a quiet and reflective student - Susan is an EMO and hasn’t spoken to me or looked me in the eye all semester
• Harry is a gifted IT student - Harry has mastered the art of circumventing the school firewall so he can access porn sites
• Jennifer always has something to offer in class discussions - Jennifer thinks she knows everything and has the right to tell the world
• John is well respected by his peers - John is popular because you, his parents, let him and his friends have wild parties
• Bob is finding mathematics difficult - Bob is failing because he does no work and you will blame me for his poor performance

Cynical? Me? Never!

“You can’t coach that”

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

I was searching through some old emails and came across a list of quotes from Rugby players, coaches and commentators.

“Nobody in Rugby should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” - Jono Gibbs - Chiefs

“I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” - Rodney So’ialo - Hurricanes - on University

“You guys line up alphabetically by height.” and “You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.” - Colin Cooper - Hurricanes head coach

Chris Masoe (Hurricanes) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt: “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”

“He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.” - Colin Cooper on Paul Tito

Kevin Senio (Auckland), on Night Rugby vs Day Games “It’s basically the same, just darker.”

David Nosafora (Auckland) talking about Troy Flavell “I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘David, I don’t know and I don’t care.’

David Holwell (Hurricanes) when asked about the upcoming season: “I want to reach for 150 or 200 points this season, whichever comes first.”

“Andy Ellis - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago”(Murray Mexted)

“Colin has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.” (Ma Nonu)

“He scored that try after only 22 seconds - totally against the run of play.” (Murray Mexted)

“We actually got the winning try three minutes from the end but then they scored.” (Phil Waugh Warratah)

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” (Jerry Collins)

“That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical.” (Tony Brown)

“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.” (Tana Umaga)

“Sure there have been injuries and deaths in rugby - but none of them serious.” (Doc Mayhew)

“If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”(Anton Oliver)

“I would not say he (Rico Gear) is the best left winger in the Super 14, but there are none better.” (Murray Mexted)

“I never comment on referees and I’m not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.” (Ewan McKenzie)

Murray Deaker: “Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?” Tana Umaga: “On what ?”

“Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.”(Murray Mexted)

“Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.”(Murray Mexted)

“You really can’t coach that”

Sunday, June 10, 2007

[Via Royters]

In what is expected to be the first case of its kind Italy is set to sue New Zealand for an undisclosed sum. The issue at the centre of this historic dispute is said to be the rights to the “Boot” design (refer to images below)

The Italian Minister for Cultural Identity was quoted yesterday as saying:

“We have been the Boot for as long as anyone can remember. Caesar himself registered the design. We will not let some young upstart of a Country steal a part of our heritage.”

New Zealand has countered with the claim that they are in fact an ankle boot as opposed to the knee-high design of the Italians.

The case is expected to be heard before Judge Michael Sauer next week.

“You can’t coach that”

Thursday, June 07, 2007

The Blogosphere to Join United Nations [Royters, 7 June 2007]

In a move set to revolutionize international diplomacy, the world wide group of bloggers collectively known as The Blogosphere is set to be represented at the United Nations. The move is seen as giving a voice to potentially millions of the world’s brightest minds.

It is yet to be confirmed however who will provide the actual physical representation at the UN. Unconfirmed sources suggest that the blogger with the bestTechnorati rank will be selected but there is believed to be strong support for other measures to be taken into account. Google page rank and Alexa statistics are two favoured by many.

There has been however opposition to the radical proposal. China is reported to be particularly concerned and is thought to be working on a ”UN firewall” to combat what it sees as an undesirable escalation of self expression.  Other critics believe that this represents the next phase of plans by Google to take over the world.  There appears to be no truth to the rumour that the UN headquarters are to be moved to Redmond. Similarly talk of “Digg” style voting on UN resolutions cannot be taken seriously.

Several “A-List” bloggers are reportedly working on “Making Money Online with the UN” blogs.

“You Can’t Coach That”

Monday, June 04, 2007

Did you know there is a global movement called “Nerdcore Hip Hop”. I didn’t either until I saw The Winnie Coopers profiled in my local newspaper. There debut album includes “Geek Manifesto” and I think they wrote it for me. Here’ their work as grabbed from youtube.

“you can’t coach that”

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

I regularly watch “The Lab With Leo” on the How To Channel. He has just done a segment on a new site called MyToons. It’s a you tube for animations. I would generally rather watch a good animation than some of the rubbish served up these days in the name of entertainment so I was excited to find this excellent site. Here is an example of the work that you can see there. Go on watch it and tell me that you have never felt like this guy.

“You can’t coach that”

Monday, May 28, 2007

This is a classic Aussie beer ad and perfectly captures the essence of the backyard shed.

Thanks to Meg and Dipping into the Blogpond for posting the link in the comments on my previous backyard shed story.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

My Dear Inspiron 8200

I know that we have been fighting a lot lately but I am determined that things will change. Yes I swear and threaten to send you to computer heaven when you are slow to execute my frantic and often ill considered commands. We have been through much together over the years. There was that time you got a virus and I was up all night looking after you, nursing you back to health. Not to mention that nasty worm infestation that we don’t talk about when company comes to visit. If anything these trials and tribulations have strengthened the bond between us.

Now that you have a nice new install of your favourite operating system your manners have improved considerably as has my temper. I promise not to burden you with too much worthless junk masquerading as useful software if you promise not to freeze for no apparent reason more than once per day. I will diligently defrag your hard drive and clean your registry on a regular basis.

I honestly didn’t mean it when I said you were for the scrap heap. I can see our time together continuing for the foreseeable future. In the unlikely event that a new computer does come to visit I promise to turn you into a lovely Ubuntu machine.

Yours lovingly

Coach

“You can’t coach that”

Friday, May 04, 2007

A sponsored post:

Dating, I am so glad I don’t have to do it. I am in the incredibly fortunate position of being happily married to a saint. She has to be a saint to put up with yours truly and all my s#@t. We met in high school so I have had precious little experience in the dating arts. I often wonder whether I would have been very good at it as I got older. It was a pretty easy thing to do as a teenager but I can imagine it gets a heck of a lot harder as the years tick over. At 15 you are supposed to have bad skin and be socially awkward. It’s not a good situation at thirty however.

I wonder how I would have approached the dating challenge as an adult. Would I have been the clubber type? Would I be the dinner and movie dater or perhaps the bar-b-q with friends type? Could I have turned to an online dating service? Probably a beer and pie at the footy - romantic I know.

To end on a humourous note, here are some translations of common lines in personal ads [via: no marriage]

# Strong woman - Bitch with a severe case of self entitlement.

# Classy - Bitchy 45 year old real estate agent type.

# Seeking gentleman - Looking for rich guy who isn’t interested in sex.

# World traveler - would love to go to Europe as long as you’re buying.

# Intelligent - She isn’t but thinks she is, and you’d better entertain her.

# Rubenesque - Fat

# Sarcastic - Bought into the whole Gen X irony thing and is really a miserable bore to hang out with.

# Make me laugh - You’re expected to be highly entertaining right away.

# Sick of bar scene - She doesn’t get hit on at bars due to one or more physical flaws.

# Friends first - Reformed nympho

# Shapely - Fat

# BBW - Grossly, morbidly obese (Bring Burgers With)

# Snuggling and Warm Fires - No Sex

# Enjoys Traveling - You’re paying, right?

# Meaningful Relationship - Slavery

# Nurturing - Smothering

# Sassy - Insufferable by the third date.

# Bubbly - Happy all the damn time to the point of annoying.

# No games! - I won’t put up with your games, but I will gladly infuriate you with mine.

# Eccentric or quirky - Psycho…

# Grown up man - Sucker willing to marry and support my lazy fat ass.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Well not literally who invented them, obviously birds invented the whole egg thing. What I really mean is who thought up the idea to eat them? I just can’t imagine someone sitting around the campfire, or wherever people sat in the pre-egg eating days, and upon observing an egg fall out of the back end of a nearby chicken saying to themselves “I think that would make good eating”. It fell out of the bum of a bird! (I know, not the actual bum but in the vicinity). Why would you eat something that did that. Did people have a “let’s eat things that are excreted by birds” weekend? Was it a dare? Hey I dare you to eat the white shiny bird turd.

I am equally perplexed by the concept of potatoes. While they are one of my favourite foods, after all they fry up a treat, I just don’t get why anyone would dig one up and eat one. Imagine the trial and error involved in finding out that potatoes are a form of fuel for humans. How many thoroughly disgusting things were consumed on the way to discovering what would one day become the humble chip (french fry for you Yanks). The thing in its natural state could easily be mistaken for the droppings of a giant Wombat so how many times did people eat the droppings of giant Wombats before they found potatoes (another flaw in my logic of course, potatoes aren’t native to Australia and Wombats are thin on the ground in Ireland).

Chips and Eggs for dinner tonight I think.

“You can’t coach that”

Monday, April 23, 2007

Wanted - One Blog Assistant.

Duties include reading dozens of interesting blogs, summarising the interesting and informative articles and drafting a series of witty and topical comments for my perusal and final approval. Suggestions for equally informative and interesting articles will also be expected.

The successful applicant will have the following qualities:

• The ability to read (at least until after the fourth drink of the day after which time allowances will be made)
• The ability to type with at least one finger.
• An excellent command of the Queen’s English (Swahili will also be spoken after the fourth drink of the day)

Physical characteristics are not important, however should you be interviewed on a day my wife is out of town, blonde hair, blue eyes and large breasts will be all that I will notice.

Renumeration will be based on a percentage of the advertising revenue generated here so it would be helpful if you were financially secure.

EDIT: Duties will include keeping up to date with numerous Technorati Favourite exchange programs

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Sorry folks, i couldn’t resist this one.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Enough said really. If you have a better caption please leave a comment.

[original image: Reuters]

It has been reported that Chinese smugglers are making a fortune selling imported pianos and dodging a sizable amount in taxes at the same time. Police in Shanghai have seized 5000 illegally imported pianos and there are eight cases before the courts.

What I want to know is how do they finds condoms big enough to fit a piano inside, not to mention a “piano mule” willing to do the hard yards and stick it where the sun don’t shine.

“You can’t coach that”

[via: Reuters]