My six year old daughter has just started school at a Catholic school and has therefore been learning about the Easter story. She has had some refreshing insights into religion lately and these are some she has shared with us this Easter:
No one liked Jesus, He had no friends because they put thorns in his head.
They didn’t know that Jesus was so good, they killed him. I bet they are sorry now though because he is famous.
You can’t eat meat on Good Friday because god is made of meat. He is also made of chocolate and that is why we have chocolate Easter eggs.
We are lucky that God made Mars because soon we will run out of room in Australia and America and we will need somewhere else to live.
I have seen on a number of blogs that I read (most recently at the bet shop boy) that China is restricting its citizens’ access to the “net” through what is being dubbed “The Great Firewall of China” (that one comes straight out of the genius department ). You can check out your url to see if it has been blocked here.
Well the good news for me is that I am OK, 100% safe, if you are Chinese nothing to see here move right along. Yes, the citizens of that great collection of humanity can currently soak up all the coach wisdom that they like.
I think I see an opportunity for world domination here (insert evil laugh). Based on a quick (5 minute) search of some of the best known blogs that I can think of it appears that all the popular, high traffic blogs are blocked in China (that’s the market research done). Therefore all I need to do is promote myself as “The Blog for China” and I will have all the readers I need in no time.
I suppose there is a small problem related to the language. I wonder how you say “You can’t coach that” in Mandarin or Cantonese.
Afterthought - I think I need another blog category - “Crap”
Dear Madam Finance Minister (a.k.a. my beautiful wife)
Further to our recent discussion regarding the purchase of a new personal computer, I would like to make my final arguments. These are set out below.
I am aware that we already have 6 computers in the house and only four occupants (and one dog). You however have dozens of shoes and only two feet.
While a new computer will allow me to engage in additional hours of gaming at the expense of talking to you and the children, I will be more prepared for the eventuality of Australia being invaded by murderous aliens and will therefore be able to protect my loving family (as long as I can find a gun that uses a mouse to aim and shoot)
Yes, it really is important that Word documents load two tenths of a second faster and that spreadsheets calculate a fraction of second faster.
Yes, when I told you that there has been an upgrade to the internet and it only works on dual core processors now, I was lying.
No, computers are not just porn machines, I really do use mine for work
A google search for the term “stupid criminals” returns 113,000 hits, so I am aware that I am not leading the field here. I haven’t even checked as to whether these two stories are reported elsewhere. They are local stories for me so I thought I would share them.
They both relate to ram raids where a car has been used to drive through the front doors of a shop after hours.
Case 1: A ram raider targeted a store that sells surveillance equipment. What he failed to realise was that the store made exceptional use of their state of the art equipment and the police had several excellent images for identification purposes and he was know to them. Case closed.
Case 2: Two exceptionally bright (and perhaps very lazy) felons decided that the best car to use for their ram raid was their own - yes folks their own. The unfortunate thing for them was that when they drove the car through the front doors it become stuck and they could not get it out. They had no choice but to abandon the vehicle and make their escape on foot. The police were able to apprehend the men based on the address on the registration. Case closed.
As discussed yesterday via the hidden microphone behind the mirror in my bathroom, I am interested in joining The Conspiracy Theorists Association of Australia.
I have been interested in your organisation for quite some time and believe I have all the qualities necessary to make a valuable contribution. I cannot tell you what those qualities are because there are three people looking over my shoulder as I write this and they are sure to report their findings. You can however contact the Federal Police who I am sure will be able to supply you with all the hidden video you need to assess my application.
References are available from xxxxxxx and xxxxxxxx (this section of my application has been censored to protect the innocent)
I have taken the precaution of writing this application in biodegradable ink that will disappear within two hours to safeguard against the interception of my mail that has been ongoing for some time.
I look forward to your acceptance of my application and communication of this should be via the microwave link which was implanted in my head when I was in kindergarten.
Should I not hear from you I will assume that the organisation has been taken over by an unfriendly foreign power and I will instead continue my career in Federal politics.
It has been two months now since I ordered the “Amazing Acme Time Machine” from your summer catalogue and I still have not received the product. My need for this item is becoming more urgent by the day and I urge you to take immediate action. Allow me to provide some further details in support of my claim.
You see I am the father of two daughters. I feel blessed every day that I have been sent these angels but there is one significant problem and this is where your product is relevant.
They are growing up too damn fast. My 11 year old now insists on buying her own clothes (with my money of course) and insists that she must wear the latest fashions. The trouble is the “latest fashions” are those being modeled on MTV by the likes of Brit, Christina and Gwen (I like watching MTV too).
My 6 year old has just started school and frankly I am just not ready to have two children at school, especially when one of them appears to be trying to attract her potential husband already.
As you can appreciate, I therefore urgently need the “Amazing Acme Time Machine” so that I may make frequent use of its “stop time for 60 minutes” feature and therefore save what is left of my quickly disappearing sanity.
Please deal with this matter with the utmost promptitude otherwise I will be forced to send the roadrunner over and he will shove a rocket up your ..... (sorry, I told you I was losing my sanity)
Recently I blogged about the new iPod vibrator from OhMiBod. John Chow wrote a review of the same product back in February which attracted quite a bit of interest based on the comments for his article.
John has just posted a review of a similar product, the iBuzz (seems every new product has to have an “i” in the name these days. This new review got me thinking about what playlists people might put together for those “special moments” spent with their music and one of these pleasure machines. Here is what I came up with after a few minutes thought (add to the list through comments if you feel like it):
The William Tell Overture - as included in my original post and just for the cannons
iPod vibrator from OhMiBod. John Chow wrote a review of the same product back in February which attracted quite a bit of interest based on the comments for his article.
Like many I find the concept of evolution a fascinating one. Lately I have been thinking about how evolution has changed the Human race and more specifically how things might turn out if certain technological advances had not been made.
I am short sighted. I have worn glasses or contact lenses for more than twenty years. I ask myself whether the instance of short sightedness has increased over time and whether it will increase into the future. (I could of course do some research to find out but why let facts get in the way of a story) Has the invention of corrective lenses in fact led to an increase in sight disorders and if so will this escalation continue? My reason for thinking about this is simple - without glasses/contact lenses I would be an absolute bumbling fool (even more so than I am now perhaps). As an absolute bumbling fool my prospects in matters of love and reproduction would have been grim indeed. It therefore follows that the gene pool would not have been polluted with my poor eyesight genes. There are millions of people out there who are short sighted and therefore rely on glasses. Without the assistance of corrective lenses perhaps many of them would, like me, be unlucky in love.
Then there is that wonderful invention; alcohol. Without alcohol would there be fewer shy people in the world? Same logic - no alcohol - not as many shy people getting lucky - fewer shy person genes being passed on - you get the idea.
Anyway, I’m off to find my glasses and have a few beers.
Who is the Coach? - Self styled life coach to the masses; part time ballet critic; full time sports critic; nude twister umpire; unemployed still life model; "trust me, I'm on the internet"
A more serious look at who I am can be found on the About page.
). You can check out your url to see if it has been blocked 
