Binge drinking amongst young people has everyones’ attention in Australia at the moment, especially excessive drinking by young women. As a high school teacher and father of two daughters, this is something that I find quite worrying and I applaud all efforts to deal with the problem. Of course my applause is louder for some initiatives than others. The government’s chief response at the moment appears to be an increase in taxes on pre-mixed drinks or so-called “alcopops”. Yes these drinks are marketed primarily at young women but does the government really think that an increase in the price of one type of alcohol product is going to significantly impact on the amount being consumed by these young people? There are numerous alternatives to these pre-mixed drinks and the teenagers I talk to support the argument that this measure will be ineffective in making them reconsider their drinking habits.

So what’s the common theme here? It is a win-win situation for the government. They can tell the electorate that they are getting tough on speeding and binge drinking. The evidence is there for all to see, splashed across every newspaper front page - too bad the evidence showing the effectiveness or otherwise of these programs is harder to find. At the same time, significant revenue is being raised regardless of the effectiveness of the initiatives themselves. And what happens to the revenue? It’s spent on roads and alcohol education of course - yeh right!

“You can’t coach that”

“The Ode” is a central part of the ceremonies and services to mark this day.

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.

LEST WE FORGET

The Ode is the fourth stanza from “The Fallen” by Laurence Binyon which can be found in full here.

“You can’t coach that”

Another of the key recommendations was for comprehensive tax reform. This is hardly revolutionary. Various groups have been calling for tax reform and simplification of the tax regime ever since I can remember taking an interest in such matters. Does the government really need to sponsor such an event to come up with such a fundamental idea? It worries me if this is the case. Strike two for the 2020 summit.

Then there is Ernie and his ”golden gurus”. The 76 year old suggested that Australian needs to make use of older Australians as workplace mentors - to be termed golden gurus. As a rapidly aging Australian with not enough superannuation and the prospect of retirement a long way off, this sounds like a great idea. You can now consider me Coach Guru.

“You can’t coach that”

Where is it written that a good footballer is automatically going to be someone of good character? Players are selected based on their ability to play the game, not on whether they are going to behave like good role models away from it. Players should be held accountable for their conduct on the field, their behaviour off the field should be judged according to the same criteria as the general public. If I get caught drink driving on my way home from work next week then I would be a bloody idiot and an appalling role model for children. This wouldn’t however place my job in jeopardy and I wouldn’t fined by my employer. Yet this is precisely the position many athletes find themselves in.

Many would disagree with what I have said here, and I can see that they may have a point. How can we not expect children to look up to the sporting stars that they worship on TV? By definition, if a children try to emulate their heroes then that footballer, swimmer or athlete is going to be a role model.

The key to my argument is parents. It is parents who have the capacity to be the most significant influence on children and their behaviour, for good or bad. Parents should be able to provide a filter through which children see the behaviour of the favourite sporting stars. Let parents be role models for children. Let sportsmen and women be the models that inspire sporting prowess.

“You can’t coach that”

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me.  You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.  If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them. 

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.  Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.  Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.  However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. 

Rule Four:

I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world sex without utilizing a ‘Barrier method’ of some kind can kill you.  Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. 

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.  Please do not do this.  The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is:  ‘early.’

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.  This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.  Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.  If you make her cry, I will make you cry. 

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.  If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.  My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbor Bridge.  Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? 

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:  Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.  Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.  Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay.  Cricket games are okay...Old folks homes are better. 

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me.  I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been.  But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. 

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid.  It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.  As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight.  Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside.  The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

My personal favourite is number 9, closely followed by number 10.

“You can’t coach that”

“You can’t coach that”

Excel 2007, apart from introducing a whole new user interface, likes to mess with our minds. From the Microsoft support website:

When you perform a calculation in Excel 2007, the following behavior occurs:
• The result of the calculation is a number from 65534.99999999995 to 65535. The calculation is performed correctly. However, the result is incorrectly shown as 100000.
• The result of the calculation is a number from 65535.99999999995 to 65536. The calculation is performed correctly. However, the result is incorrectly shown as 100001.

Who cares if the calculation is correct if it doesn’t display correctly?

They have now issued a patch but oh dear!  Interestingly, there is no such problems with the latest Mac version.

I wish my salary was $65,535 and that my employer used Excel 2007 to calculate payroll.

“You can’t coach that”

6 year old #1 - “This is a photo of one of our new puppies. He’s the one with only one testicle”

6 year old #2 - “So that’s the one with only one testicle. He’s so cute”

A few minutes passes where other topics are discussed before the following is heard:

6 year old #2 - “What’s a testicle?”

6 year old #1 - “I don’t know”

6 year old #2 - “Is it a boy dog or a girl dog?”

6 year old #1 - “I don’t know that either”

“You can’t coach that”

So someone throws an egg at a group of Sri Lankan cricketers. The shrapnel wounds from the flying egg shell were I am sure devastating. The Sri Lankans must be eager to return home where it is only bombs and bullets that you have to be worried about.

Oh shit, I think I have just been racist - sorry Murali.

“You can’t coach that”

1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, AVOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.

Scenario: Jeffrey won’t sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal’s office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang.  Psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.

Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school.

1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Vinh fails high school English.

1960 - Vinh goes to Remedial English, passes and goes to college.

2007 - Vinh’s cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Vinh is given his Y10 anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1960 - Ants die.

2007 - Security and ASIO are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny’s dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.

“You can’t coach that”